Trust

Here is a pic of me with a post-yoga glow upon leaving one of the 3 yoga classes I enjoyed last week. BTW, we have some skillful teachers here in RVA. Get out and take class with @margarucia, @ flowwithlo and @lanyproudalis ASAP. For years it was difficult for me to enjoy public classes. Part of this was physical, my body is hypermobile, meaning I have a tendency to overstretch my ligaments and therefore I injure easily. Taking a class where I could not control the movement or pacing could lead to pain that could last for weeks. The other part is mental. Having had the experience of injury from asana has led to conditioned fear around the practice. And my go to move when I experience fear is CONTROL. This pattern was established in childhood in an environment that was out of control and at times frightening. It made great sense at the time, but now holds me back. 

In my meditation practice I’ve been observing this dance between the part of me that wants to surrender to presence and the part that wants to control. I have these moments where I’m just bobbing up and down in a sensory soup that are sublime. Sounds and sensations come, go, ebb and flow and this dynamism is both soothing and engaging. The part of me that wants to narrate or control the experience is RELAXED. In these moments I trust what’s unfolding and rest back into experience. And then clear as day, there’s a tension that arises…the part of me that needs to be in charge comes online judging, narrating problem solving, making plans, etc. It’s like I’m afraid that if I relax for too long something bad will happen.

Shadow Yoga, the system I have been studying in for almost 3 years, is teaching me about trust. The first lesson Andy my teacher taught me was that I was coming at asana from the mind…the contractive fear-based part of me that needs control. I learned that fear actually creates the conditions for injury by activating Marma points. Andy tells me, “be smart not afraid”. Over and over again, even through difficult postures and transitions, he says, “keep it relaxed”. When I relax this part of me the Subtle Body speaks. Aligned with the subtle body I surrender to a system. I trust my teacher. I trust the Preludes (set Shadow Yoga Sequences). I trust my body. Trust creates the conditions for integration prompting all of my parts to work in concert strengthening and lengthening in a way that is both functional and expansive. Practicing in this way I have healed and opened beyond what I ever thought was possible. In his sutras Patanjali spells out the 5 qualities that power a yoga practice the first being Shraddha. Shraddha is usually translated as faith and trust is a form of faith. When we relax the mind we put faith in something greater than the small self. I have studied and taught this sutra for many years and yet it is just now that this is registering on a visceral level. Quite literally I can feel in my tissues how trust is a necessary prerequisite in order for practice to flourish. Back to public classes and the skilled AF teachers we have here in RVA, I find myself once again enjoying being a student in public classes and that perhaps trust itself is the active ingredient. I show up for class and “keep it relaxed” sensing rather than thinking. It’s an extra layer of trust to momentarily let go of the Preludes that have been my map for years now. I trust the teacher who is leading and I trust my body to show me the way and a joyful exploration takes place.